family, Social Media, Social Skills, Uncategorized, Wife

Thanksgiving – Have a Real Conversation

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I would like to start off by wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. This holiday is truly unique because it creates a great opportunity for us to reconnect with our family and friends. Even though we associate Thanksgiving with food, this is also a social holiday.

I recently took a break from writing blogs, due to my busy schedule. However, it was a blessing in disguise because it offered an opportunity for me to reflect on what matters. As I’ve said in previous blogs and my latest book The Best Version of You, we are very disconnected due to technology. Sure, technology is supposed to keep us connected, yet–that’s not really happening. We would rather hide behind our phones or computers, instead of making eye contact with the person we’re talking to. Sure, FaceTime and Skype are unique but they are not the same as a face-to-face conversation.

Now that we can text and e-mail, people would rather text, instead have a real conversation. Consider this, if your son had some great news to tell you, which method would you prefer:

  1. Text version: “Hey dad, I have a great news. I got accepted to the Ohio State University.” Your son has to wait for your response because he can’t see you. Therefore, he doesn’t see how excited, proud, and happy you are, for him.
  2. Face-to-face conversation: “Hey dad, I have a great news. I got accepted to the Ohio State University.” You embrace him and tell him how excited, proud, and happy you are, for him. Instead of him reading your response (text message) and guessing how you felt, he can see it. This helps create authenticity. Not only did you convey you’re proud of him, you demonstrated it. We really can’t do that when we send a text or an e-mail. We might think a creative emoji conveys the same message but trust me, to your son, it doesn’t. Have a real conversation.
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Nothing replaces quality time with your significant other.

I am hoping you selected option 2: Face-to-face conversation. It doesn’t matter how busy you are, your loved ones deserve your full attention. By only communicating via texts and e-mail, it might convey the wrong message: You are not a priority to me. This might seem extreme but to a child or loved one that desires your attention, it might be a huge deal. Take a step back and ask yourself, “How would I want to receive this information?”

Here are some benefits of a face-to-face conversation:

  • It creates authenticity.
  • It displays your true emotions and reactions. [body language]
  • It conveys a more powerful message.
  • It builds relationships.
  • It helps prevent an argument or disconnect, due to eliminating the risk of typing a convoluted text. [What did you mean?]
  • It creates additional conversations.
  • It builds connection.
  • It builds winning streaks.
  • It tells people, what you have to say, matters to me.

I challenge you to implement this into your Thanksgiving dinner, regardless if you’re celebrating at your house, a family members house, or a friends house. The world can use more face-to-face conversations and you have the opportunity to help cultivate it.

For more information about the author:

Capture
https://www.amazon.com/Jason-Lee-Hughes
fitness, motivational, Uncategorized, Work

Plan | Prepare | Execute | Repeat

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Here a quick tip (video) on how to win in the gym and every aspect of your life.

Plan: Identify your goals and a desired outcome.

Prepare: Gather what you’ll need in order to help facilitate your goals or objectives.

Execute: Do what you said you were going to do during the planning and preparation steps. Planning and preparation are a waste of time without execution.

Repeat: Do exactly what you did during the plan, prepare, and execute steps. This will create winning streaks.

https://recognize-your-value.com

https://www.tbvoybook.com

motivational, Social Skills, Uncategorized

Luck is Not Real

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How many times have you heard someone say, “Man, that team got lucky?” I’m willing to bet, you hear it at least once a weekend. For some reason, people associate things they were not expecting with good or bad luck.

What people don’t realize–luck, just like fear, is not a real. It does not have any physical properties. Luck is usually attached to 2 things:

  1. Excuses
  2. Bitterness

When people say, “She got that promotion because she’s lucky,” is it actually true? Is there evidence supporting how the stars were aligned and her employer was forced to give her the promotion? Of course not. Could it be, she got the promotion because she deserved it by putting herself in a position to win? It’s not luck, it’s preparation meeting opportunity.

When people fall short of a goal, their mind wants answers because it is their biggest critic. Therefore, to compensate, they’ll say almost anything to make themselves feel like they didn’t win because of external circumstances. “You got lucky.” This excuse and demonstration of bitterness doesn’t require any ownership.

You win by doing what’s required.

Whenever I discuss this with other people, they always bring up the lottery. “You have to be extremely lucky to win the lottery.”

Well, that’s necessarily true. To win the lottery, you have to play the numbers. Meaning, you have to participate. So when you participate, and pick the right numbers, you get rewarded for doing what is required. That is not luck.

Successful people are not lucky; they just work harder than the average person.

Regardless of the defensive coverage, do your job.

When a Quarter Back (QB) throws a Hail Mary on the final play of the game and the Wide Receiver (WR) comes down with the ball in the endzone, does it get listed in the luck stats? Obviously not. The QB gets a passing TD stat and the WR gets a TD reception stat. Why? Because it is not luck when you perform what is required. They did their job. [One guy throws the ball, the other guy catches it.]

At the end of the day, blaming things on (bad or good) luck does not serve you. It undermines people and circumstances. If someone gets a promotion instead of you, next time–put yourself in position to perform better. Blaming your shortfalls on luck is not competing.

https://www.tbvoybook.com
Uncategorized, Writing

The Best Version of You | My new book is available

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I am very excited about finally having this book in my hands. Hard work is always worth it, regardless of how long it takes.

The Best Version of You is a self-help book designed to introduce new skills and concepts for anyone to use when they’re facing adversity, feeling lost and out of focus, wanting to make changes in their lives, or simply wanting to update themselves.

We update our phones, our computers, and our software, but honestly, when was the last time we updated ourselves?

The book is available on Amazon.com and Amazon Kindle:

Xlibris Publishing:

Uncategorized

Are you in the driver or passenger seat of your RAS?

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What you think about the most, will consume you. It will activate your Reticular Activating System (RAS).

“The reticular activating system is a short, pencil-sized piece of the brain located just above where the spinal cord is attached to the brain. It acts as the gatekeeper of information between most sensory systems and the conscious mind.“

Examples:

  1. You purchase new shoes for the gym. You honestly believe they are unique but over the next couple of days, you start noticing other people have the same shoes. Did they buy them because you did? No, obviously not. They’ve always had them but now these shoes are in your awareness. Therefore, you notice them. It turns out, these must be great shoes because other people are buying them, too.
  2. You start believing that people always get hurt in the gym, regardless of their skill set. Therefore, you take notice every time someone gets dinged up or seriously injured. It is all you can focus on. Do people get injured in the gym? Of course, that’s part of Murphy’s Law. However, because injuries are in your awareness, you notice them more than usual. Because of this mindset, you hold back in the gym because you don’t want to be the next person to get hurt. This is also your confirmation bias working against you.

These examples demonstrate how you need to be careful about what you’re thinking. If it upsets you, disappoints you, or goes against your values–why are you wasting your time with it? What is the:

  • Purpose
  • Goal
  • Objective
  • Benefit
  • Value

If it doesn’t support any of these things, eliminate it from your life.

“Where focus goes, energy flows.” -Tony Robbins

My dislike for video games does not consume me.

I don’t care for video games. But I won’t make the mistake of constantly thinking (or talking) about why I don’t like them. It serves no purpose and takes valuable time away from things that I value. I would rather reallocate my time to focus on things that help me win at life.

I love people that are focused on maximizing their potential. They don’t spend their day focusing on what they don’t like. Instead, they focus on what they do like and how they can multiply it. Because my filter is calibrated on this mindset, I notice people that are like this. If I didn’t like these kind of people, I would never notice them even if they were all around me.

Driver seat: You focus on positivity, it is in your awareness, and you set yourself up to win.

Passenger seat: You focus on things you don’t like, you hunt them down because they’re in your awareness, and you fuel disappointment.

Advocacy, Equality, LGBT, SAAPM, Social Skills, Uncategorized

The Challenges of being a Male Advocate

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I have been a sexual assault victim advocate for 9 years and a proud supporter of the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). Helping people cultivate change is very important to me. However, being a male advocate in this field is very challenging. Therefore, I wanted to write this blog to help current and future male advocates. Please feel free to share this information.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month training – 2013

Congratulations on your decision to become a volunteer advocate. Advocacy is an instrument for change. As a volunteer, you will help facilitate the ambivalent and recovery phases of victims (survivors) of sexual assault.

Your commitment is a representation of the (Your Agency Name) and supporting agencies. Meaning, you are the face of multiple agencies that share one common goal: serve survivors of sexual assault without allowing any of your biases to interfere.

Whenever I am facilitating training, I always ask this question: “What is the number one thing you notice about me?” [Which is the best answer]

  1. You are committed to helping people.
  2. You’re a male advocate.
  3. You are just going through the motions and do not really care about this topic. (check-the-block mentality)
  4. You facilitate this training way too much.

If you answered 2, you are correct. Although answer 1 is valid, it is not a major factor. Wanting to help people and actually doing it are not always the same thing. I usually get a few laughs and an occasional shoulder shrug. “Why does that even matter?” With the way society is today—thanks to television shows, movies, magazines, music videos, advertisements, and social media—it matters a lot.

Being a male advocate in a female-dominated field can be incredibly challenging and exhausting if you are not prepared. Preparation is the key. Here are some examples of the stereotypes you might be up against:

  • “Wait—why are you here? You’re a male…”
  • “You’re an advocate? Why?”
  • “I’m sorry but—she is not going to want to see you because you’re a guy.”
  • “I appreciate you doing what you do. However, we normally recommend that a woman responds to these types of events. I’m sure you understand, right?”
  • “Are you trained for this?”
  • “Wait—you volunteered to be an advocate? But, you’re a guy!”

These are just a small sample of the obstacles you can face as an advocate. They might sound like the worst-case scenarios because they are. The reason why you need to consider the worst-case scenarios is because you need to prepare yourself to hear things that you’re not expecting. Keep in mind, these are comments that you might hear before you even see the survivor. When you’re talking to the Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) or hospital staff, you are in a safe environment. Meaning, your body language and emotional reactions to these comments should not impact the survivor. However, once you receive permission to enter the survivor’s room—there is no room for you to demonstrate how uncomfortable you are with these types of comments.

Not everything is about you. Leave your ego (h-ego) out in the waiting room.

The fact is, if you are not willing or prepared to take criticism——due to the fact you are a male—then this is not for you. That might sound very harsh but it is true. Allowing your pride and ego to get in your way does not serve survivors. If anything, it insults them. It is not always about you.

How do you get better at handling these types of situations? I highly recommend you incorporate Push Back scenarios into your training. This will help condition you to handle real-time resiliency.

What will using Push Back scenarios and exercises do for you as a male advocate?

  • It will condition you to handle circumstances that you are not expecting.
  • You will become a better advocate.
  • You will become a better facilitator and leader.
  • It will help you understand how other people feel about this topic, to include how they feel about male advocates.

Resources:

Ohio Men’s Action Network (OHMAN): https://ohman-ohio.org/

A Call to Men: http://www.acalltomen.org/

The Next Generation of Manhood (A Call to Men): https://youtu.be/GG9fefzuFWs

Uncategorized

Are You Proactive or Reactive?

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How you start your day will determine if you’re going to be proactive or reactive. It is the difference between winning or losing.

Reactive: You wait until things happen and when they don’t, you allow your confirmation bias to manifest them. External circumstances are your master.

External circumstances control your emotions and day.

If you check social media, emails, or focus on what’s stressing you–prior to doing anything else–you will condition your mind to be reactive. This mindset will run your day.

Proactive: You don’t wait for things to happen, you make them happen. Everything you do is focused on helping you win.

You plan your day around your priorities, not external circumstances.

If you train your mind to have an attitude for gratitude, you will own the day instead of the day owning you. Being grateful and cognizant of the things that matter will not leave any room for your mind to drift.

Social media and emails can be important, depending on what you do for a living. However, just like stress in general, they don’t run your day–you do.

Being reactive does not serve your future.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Am I proactive?
  2. Am I reactive?
  3. Does my behavior impact my day?
  4. Does my behavior serve my goals and vision?
  5. What is my plan of action? [If necessary]

Additional tips to help you win: Take Control of Your Morning

Advocacy, Equality, family, Filters, motivational, Social Skills, Uncategorized, Work

Recognize What You Love | An Attitude For Gratitude

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The world would be a better place if we focused on things that we love, instead of what hate or dislike. That is why I highly recommend you develop an attitude for gratitude. Here are just a few things to consider:

  • I love people regardless of their gender.
  • I love people regardless of their age.
  • I love people regardless of the color of their skin.
  • I love people regardless of their sexual orientation.
  • I love people regardless of their political affiliation.
  • I love people regardless of their abilities and disabilities.
  • I love people regardless of their looks.
  • I love people that have a different opinion as me.
  • I love people for their uniqueness.
  • I love people for their originality.
  • I love people that challenge me and other people.
  • I love people that are obsessed with success.
  • I love people that are comfortable in their own skin.
  • I love people that value doing what’s right.
  • I love people that understand and practice selfless service.
  • I love people that choose not to conform to society.
  • I love people that support equality.
  • I love people that take ownership of the failures and success.
  • I love people that don’t settle for their comfort zones.
  • I love people that crave self-development and self-improvement.
  • I love people that understand when love is not always the answer.
  • I love people that recognize when something is not for them.
  • I love people that welcome the next chapter in their life.
  • I love people that are not afraid to take a stand.
  • I love people that challenge themselves.
  • I love people that can control their confirmation bias.
  • I love people that can identify their thinking traps.
  • I love people that own their happiness.
  • I love people that can fight off the comparison trap.
  • I love people.
Love, happiness, and positivity create winning streaks.

This list could go on and on because once you recognize what you love or what you’re grateful for, you will begin to notice more and more things. Love, happiness, and positivity create winning streaks. Set yourself up to win.

Uncategorized, Writing

The Best Version of You (Update) | My 3rd Book

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I have officially signed with Xlibris Publishing (The same Publisher I used for my 1st book, Crematory.) My new book is called:

The Best Version of You

Although the book is in the (publishing) production phase, it still could be 1-3 months before it is available. This process usually takes some time, due to the attention to detail aspect.

Note: The official cover will be released at a later date.

The Best Version of You is a Self-Help book designed to introduce new skills and concepts for anyone to use when they’re: facing adversity, feeling lost, out of focus, wanting to make changes in their life, or simply wanting to update themselves. We update our phones, our computers, and software but honestly—when is the last time we updated ourselves?

Own your happiness.

Books, currently available:

Uncategorized

Are You in Control of Your Emotions?

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Due to social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat, we are more connected across the world, than ever before. This comes with a price, though. Why? Because it only takes about 30 seconds for people to allow their emotions to post a status or comment. Notice the keyword?

Do you control your emotions or do they control you?

When people allow their emotions to post on social media, it is usually in the form of negativity. Their attention is focused on what they don’t like about the world and their circumstances.

“There are no good people, in this world!”

“I’m sick and tired of having bad days!”

“My boss is a terrible person. I deserve something better…”

Don’t allow this to be a representation of your life.

Some people are so negative, when they walk into a dark room, they develop. Being negative, does not serve you. In fact, being negative cultivates an environment that leads to a downward spiral. (Secondary and tertiary effects: You take out your frustration on a loved one or coworker.)

Bottom line: If you don’t learn to control your emotions, they will use you to achieve their agenda.

  • Your emotions: “I don’t like this guy, therefore — I am going to intentionally push his buttons.”
  • Constructive approach: “I recognize that I don’t like this individual, so instead of making this situation worse, I should probably just not interact with him. Or, I could have a face-to-face conversation with him to see if this is all just a misunderstanding.” As silly as it sounds, sometimes our emotions create situations that are not even real. You might be the problem, not them.
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